The Haircut
by Angelstreasure
Summary: Have you ever noticed the number of male Order of the Phoenix members with long hair? Have you ever noticed Molly Weasley's fixation with cutting said hair see Charlie . Remus and Severus form a reluctant alliance to retain their hair length. no slash


A/N: A bit of loony Lupin silliness. Somehow I acted this scene out in my head when I was brushing my hair, and felt the need to write it down. So sit back and enjoy! By the way, sorry about the messed-up formatting, I had to email this to myself and submit on a different computer because it wouldn't accept the processing format of my mac.

Declaimer: I am the owner of Harry Potter. I also have aquamarine skin, speak Parseltongue fluently, and enjoy playing hopscotch with dragons and having video chats with Acromantulas. I mean, really? Come on guys, do you really think JK Rowling would write something this ridiculous (besides the Epilogue?)

The Haircut

Severus Snape hunched over the bubbling cauldron, relishing the satisfying hiss as the molten-iron colored liquid devoured the hinkypunk leg that was dropped in. He was relieved to escape from the multitude of wizards crowding Grimmauld Place, he was never one for parties anyway. The introverted professor much preferred the company of solid, sturdy cauldrons and shining vials that glimmered in the candlelight. The potion he was currently brewing was of his own creation, a true masterpiece, if he did say so himself. Well, it would at least be a masterpiece once he succeeded in getting it to stop causing the drinker to forcefully expel large marbles through his or her nostrils. Snape opened a vial of manticore venom, postulating that three drops, as opposed to two, would counteract the marble-sneezing effect, and would instead allow the potion to successfully treat spattergroit.

BAM! As the door flew open and crashed against the wall, the potion master started at the sudden noise, and his hand twitched, causing him to empty the entire contents of the bottle into the cauldron. The potion turned an offensive, something-that-seems-to-have-died-and-rotted-several -years-ago hue, before congealing into a pasty consistency into the bottom of its container. "MY POTION!" cried Severus, "You blithering imbecile, look what you have done to my potion! You RUINED IT!"

Remus Lupin, the unfortunate intruder, did not even flinch at the violent berating. He simply stated, in his characteristically unflappable and patient tone "Severus, please let me stay here for a bit, its an emergency". Snape's mouth nearly dropped to the floor for an instant. He then caught himself, and as utter astonishment was replaced by fury once again, sneered,

"What's the matter? Is the little puppy afraid of the thunderstorm", as he gestured to the window, which displayed the torrential tempest raging outside. Remus regarded Severus with stolid golden eyes, the latter glaring back with his own pit-dark ones. Snape noted, despite the werewolf's calm demeanor, he still appeared quite shaken. His face shown paper white beneath the silver streaks of his scars, and, as Snape peered deeper into those yellow orbs, he detected a genuine, animal fear behind them.

Remus repeated his request a second time. "You must let me stay here. Please."

Severus, becoming slightly curious despite himself, asked, "Why should I allow you to hide in in my room, cowering like the dog you are with your tail between your legs?

For one second, Remus did not answer. He then looked Snape in the eye, and said very slowly and articulately, "You-Know-Who is here." Snape was perplexed.

"The Dark Lord?"

"No! Not Voldemort; She-Who-Is-Wife-To-Arthur-Weasley" said Remus.

"Molly?" asked Snape.

"Shhhh" Remus hissed, "do not speak Her name".

"And?..." inquired Severus skeptically.

Remus replied in a serious tone, "she's brought a pair of scissors." Snape's shadow-colored eyes widened, opening like two black holes upon his pale, greasy face.

"Merlin's beard! So she is..." Remus nodded.

"On a haircutting rampage, yes. Any male member of the Order with hair that reaches past the nape of his neck must report immediately for 'receiving a proper grooming and hygiene treatment'. She's already gotten to poor Charlie- sheered his ponytail right off. She would have gotten Sirius as well, but he transformed into a dog and refused to shift back, so she can't cut his hair, for as soon as he transforms, it will return to its usual length. I only just got away, I bolted for my life! I came here because I know this is the last place she would look for me."

Snape protested, "But-"

"Please, you must help me! I know we are old enemies, but in the face of such peril, we must unite! Not only is our hair at stake, but our pride!"

"Alright, I suppose you have a point," Snape conceded, "but what should we do? it is only a matter of time before She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named thinks to come here. We can't hide forever".

"I understand", said Remus, "but it is not exactly a secret that we do not quite see eye-to-eye. She will not come here until She gives up on me and decides to hunt you down. And believe me, that woman is worse than a werewolf once She senses Her prey. But, it will buy us some time to come up with a plan."

Several hours later, the two men completed their plot. "Do you really believe this will work?"asked Snape

"I certainly hope so", replied Remus. "It's the best we can do, at any rate."

Severus stated "So, for the details of the contract. We have to make sure the wording is extremely precise, otherwise she may find a way to-"

"Shhh..."said Remus, head tilted, one keen ear pricked in the direction of the door. "She's coming!" His yellow eyes darted around the room like a cornered animal, and the werewolf threw himself underneath his former adversary's bed. Severus hastily returned to his forgotten potion, stirring the foul mixture with his wand.

As the door flew open, both men held their breath in nervous anticipation. "Severus, dear", said Molly in a good natured, albeit slightly flustered tone, "you haven't seen Remus recently, have you?"

"No" Snape replied in a tone dripping with ice-frosted venom, "as if I would have anything to do with that filthy, flea-infested mongrel".

Molly replied in a slightly offended manner, "Of course you haven't, I do not know why I even bothered to ask. But I do wish you wouldn't refer to him in such a rude manner. Well, I best be off". She eyed his long, greasy black hair. "Perhaps I will come back later, when your not busy." She turned and exited.

"Flea -infested?" asked Remus, a lupine smile upon his face.

"I'll admit, it was a bit much", said Snape, "I wanted to sound convincing."

Two hours later, Molly, taking a R&R from her war on "improper hair-length of male Order members ", was engaging in a second, well, third including that against Voldemort, war. The witch was determined to discover the true color of the interior of Grimmauld Place, a feat which was currently impossible due to the several inch thick layer of dust that coated the entire household. Entering the parlor, she noted with horror that the room was not only coated with dust, but displayed evidence of recently being subject to a dungbomb battle. "Fred, George, what am I ever going to do with those two" she muttered. As she bent to begin clean the foul-smelling room, Mrs. Weasley noticed a folded note laying on the cocktail table, addressed to her own name. Curious, Molly read the neat, vaguely familiar handwriting. "If you wish to discover the identities of the culprits behind this mess (no, not Fred and George)" she read aloud, "come to Buckbeak's attic at precisely 7:02 PM. Come alone." Mrs. Weasley exclaimed in shock as the paper burst into flames, the ash mixing with the dust below. "Well, I suppose I must follow the instructions" she thought aloud, "after all, what could happen? It's most likely those twins of mine, anyway." With that, she whipped out her wand and commenced her attack on the dust, beginning with the spot on the floor that was slightly grey due to paper ash.

At exactly 7:02, Molly knocked on the attic door. When no one answered, she turned the rusting knob and pushed the door open, entering the moonless-night-black room. As soon as the door shut behind her, a familiar, serpentine voice cried from the darkness, "petrificus totalus!" Mrs. Weasley's body froze, as the dark was broken by the illumination of fire generated by someone's hand. As the firelight flickered upon it's creator's face, the witch realized with a start that her second attacker was, of all people, Remus Lupin.

"Molly", said Remus quietly, "I did not want to have to resort to this, but you give me no choice. This ridiculous rampage against long hair must stop, not only for myself, but for the rest of the Order. Severus' assistance is a testament to the fact that my feelings are shared. Now, Severus is going to remove his spell, but first, I wish for you to be aware that right now, a package is waiting outside Fred and George's room. It contains a considerable amount of Zonko's products, as well as a few items Sirius and I have cooked up. If you recall the reputation of the Marauders, I don't believe you wish for your sons to get ahold of it. Currently, the box is intangible and invisible. Should you...misbehave... the box will not only become tangible, but it will light up, flash, and shout swears that would make Peeves blush. If you cooperate, however, the box will incinerate itself within seconds. I trust you will do the right thing." He nodded at Snape, who lifted the spell.

"How could you, Remus? I would have expected this from Sirius, perhaps, but never you. I always thought you were the good one." Molly stated indigently. Remus only gave her another lupine smile. "Now, what do you want me to do?" she asked.

"Hold out your hand" replied the werewolf, extending his own ( the one not holding the dancing embers). Molly did as she was instructed.

"Repeat after me" said Severus, pointing his wand at their entwined hands. "I solemnly swear"

"I solemnly swear"repeated Molly.

"That I will, under no circumstances, cut the hair of Severus Snape, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, or any other member of the Order of the Phoenix without their consent." finished Snape.

Molly repeated the statement, and bright threads of light twined around her hand. "There now", said Remus, "that wasn't so bad, was it?" Molly simply threw a glare more venomous than a Basilisk's fang at the wizard, who took an instinctual step back, despite himself.

The next day, Remus confidentially roamed the house with Sirius, feeling much calmer now that the fear of Molly wielding her scissors did not loom over him. Remus barely glanced at the door when he heard footsteps, nor did he flinch when Molly Weaseley's voice called, over the shrieks of "HALF BREED! MUDBLOODS! FILTHY SCUM! , "Severus, Remus, I would like to have a quick word with you, dears". Shrugging at Sirius' perplexed glance, Remus padded over to Molly, as Severus not so much as walked into the foyer, but oozed. "Now, boys," said Molly in her sweetest maternal tone, "I am aware of the, how shall I put it..., agreement we came to, but I just couldn't help but fuss over you too, dears. I mean, what would Tonks say, Remus?" Before Remus could reply that if Nymphadora was untroubled with his lycanthropy, poverty, and age, she most likely was not concerned with the length of his hair, Mrs. Weasley went on. "So I thought long and hard about a solution to our predicament, and have decided that although I can't cut your hair, you said nothing about getting someone else to do it for me."

"I knew we were missing something!" exclaimed Severus.

"...so I asked Hagrid to lend me a hand." The witch, beaming from ear to ear and looking for all the world like an Acromantula that just happened upon a particularly juicy centaur that got caught in its web, opened the door, and dragged out a beardless and short-haired Hagrid. "I'm so sorry" he muttered apologetically, "she forced me into 't, y' see." He lifted an enormous pair of pruning sheers in one massive hand. Severus and Remus glanced at each other, horrified. For a split second, all was still. Then the long-haired men turned, and bolted for the door, as fleetly as if chased by a group of rabid dragons.

Molly watched them flee, chuckling wickedly.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed. Now, please review, for the better or the worse, unless you would like me to give Mrs. Weasley a call. I believe Hagrid still has his pruning sheers.


End file.
